Ask A Bi Dad: Struggling With Your Bi Identity

By Lewis Oakley

November 02, 2021



Photo credit: Pexels/Andres Ayrton

Hi Lewis
I wanted to ask  have you ever struggled with your identity? As in, questioned/felt confused, or was it quite obvious how you felt inside and you were sure of your bisexuality?? 

Hi Tom,

Thanks for the question, and yes is the short answer. I think most bi guys struggle with their identity and feel confused.

Mainly because bisexuality was not a thing talked about as a credible thing a man could be when they were growing up.

The second you start realising you like men, even those closest to you start advising you that you must be gay. It’s confusing. And then to realise that you are bisexual but feel like no one in the world will back you up/understand is so lonely.

A multi ethnic man wearing a beanie and jacket talks to two friends who are doubtful of what he has to say.
Pexels/RODNAE Productions

It’s a sad process to figure out your sexuality, only to end up feeling so alone.

But the truth is you are not alone. More men than care to admit it are bisexual. We’re also increasingly getting more confident in saying it and living openly. If you're looking for proof, many recent surveys, such as these by Gallup and YouGov, have shown that more men and women are identifying as bi than ever before.

Take your time to figure out your identity. You don’t need to label or take it too seriously. Enjoy the journey and embrace the experiences it brings. Eventually, you’ll arrive at a place where you know who you are and are happy to tell the world.


What advice would you give to this reader? Give us your take in the comments below.

Lewis Oakley wearing a blazer and opening the top of his shirt to expose a shirt with the words bisexual on it.

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news. 

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, email at [email protected]

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.


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