Ask A Bi Dad: Should I take a risk on a closeted bi man?

Lewis, 

Thanks so much for everything you do. If I had had access to resources like you and Bi.org 25 years ago, maybe I wouldn't have had such a horrible dry spell in my love life.

I have a topic that I haven't really seen covered, but I can't be the only bi person dealing with this. I am single and don't "report" to anyone but myself. But, as we know, many bi guys are married, and I've definitely encountered a few. There is one guy, in particular, I have been corresponding with online, and it appears we have significant common interests. We will probably meet up at some point soon.

I know he's married, I know he wants to remain married. I believe he has not discussed his bisexuality with his wife. So the simple question is, how do I be supportive and provide him with the intimacy and companionship that I'm certain he's seeking, without enabling him to cross a line with his wife. Ideally, of course, he would just tell his wife he's bi, and have them come to some acceptable agreement on boundaries. But we all know that's a very risky approach.

I really hate this either/or situation we're put into.

Phil

Hi Phil,

Thanks for reaching out.

I think in a moment like this, it’s important to take the bi element out of the situation.

Let's pretend this is a gay man, married to a man that is looking to meet up and his husband doesn’t know about it. It’s cheating and you're the other man. Bisexuality isn’t an excuse.

I know there are bi men that have the odd thing on the side with men behind their wives' backs but this is not ideal. I’d also ask what it is you are looking for out of this?

If it’s casual sex then there are probably less complicated (if that’s the right word) people you could find to have sex with. If it is that you have a genuine connection that both of you feel an urge to explore then perhaps the best thing to do is to go for coffee, a public place where you can talk. If it is something you both want to take further then it is probably for the best that you encourage him to talk to his wife.

If not, I’d encourage you to ask, what are you getting out of this? This isn’t someone who you’re going to be able to have a meaningful relationship with if you’re going to be his dirty little secret. What’s more, if he can lie to his wife, he can lie to you — so you can’t ever trust him.

I hate to be a downer on this one, I’m all about optimism but I think you need to have another think about, what you want, who you want to be, and what kind of person you want to be with.

We’ve all been there, forbidden fruit is appealing. Sneaking around can make you feel like a teen again but If I were you in the situation, I’d try and find someone else. There is no need to get involved in something so complicated.

Wishing you all the best and if you do want to go for it then you go for it.

Do let me know how you get on.

Lewis

What advice would you give to this reader? Give us your take in the comments below.

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, email at [email protected]

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.