A Love Letter to My Girlfriend — From Your Bi Boyfriend
By Lewis Oakley
November 28, 2016
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DonateHey Laura,
I just wanted to tell you: you're the most amazing person I've ever met.
My girlfriend and I have only been together for eight months, but in that short time, she's inspired in ways I could never have imagined. She's encouraged me to tell my story and stand up for other bi people. She's cheered me on to keep going, congratulated me on my successes, and been there to make me smile when I get abuse and hate mail.
She puts up with me when it’s 3 a.m. and I’m still messaging with a bi guy from America about his coming-out process. She understands when I'm not available because I'm writing an article to a sharp deadline. And she doesn't get mad when people message me inappropriate sexual comments on Facebook.
It shouldn't be a big deal to find a woman who's cool with dating a bi guy; but as a reformed serial dater, let me tell you they are rare to come by. She's never asked me which one I prefer, never been insecure about me going gay clubbing, or listened to those who told her "it's just a phase".
But by far one of the biggest things I have to thank her for is being cool with what I'm doing right now. It's one thing to date a bi man, it's quite another to date a bi activist who discusses his attraction to men and women in the media every week.
When you're in a relationship, it can be hard to discuss your bisexuality, and even harder to discuss it on an international platform. If I were a gay activist, I dare say life would be easier. Yes, I'd be discussing sexuality, but ultimately I wouldn't have to discuss my attraction outside of my boyfriend. I could use him as an example in a way bi activists can't. I can't just talk about my attraction to women.
I discuss how attractive I find men and women that aren't my, including women who aren’t my girlfriend. I discuss past sexual encounters as well as the difference between dating men and women.
My girlfriend has read and seen everything I've ever done as an activist. Rather than become insecure when I discuss the kind of men I find attractive, she replies, "this is awesome babe, so proud of you."
A lot of bi people who settle down do give up the fight. They're living their lives and have more to do than fight for bi visibility. Plus, something that rarely gets talked about is how uncomfortable it can make your partner if you're constantly talking about your attraction to others. Perhaps that's why we don't see a huge number of married bi people talking about their sexuality?
Dating me isn't easy, not because I'm high-maintenance, but because society has some really messed up views when it comes to bisexuality. People have asked my girlfriend "Are you the one dating the gay guy?", told her, "Honey, he's gay, there's no such thing as bi," and even one person who said "He's bisexual, you're going to catch HIV." But none of that put her off. She sees me for the person I am, not the negative stereotypes society attributes to my sexuality. Not only does she accept my bisexuality, she celebrates it and that makes me love her even more.
I've dated people in the past who've told me to stop saying I'm bi, people that have stood by whilst their friends have ridiculed bisexuality to my face. I've even dated people who've tried to convince me I was gay and not bi. At the time I thought it was just something I'd have to learn to put up with. Now I know to expect more from people.
When I'm having a pity party because of online hate, she tells me exactly what I need to hear: to grow up and remember that I'm doing this for the young bi men that are lacking role models, and to win hearts and minds away from biphobic attitudes. She’s my rock.
So thank you Laura, thank you for always supporting me and helping me to do what I can to support the other bi guys who aren't having a great time.
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