Ask A Bi Dad: I'm paranoid since my girlfriend came out as bi

Hi Lewis,

My girlfriend of two years recently came out as bi. I’m super supportive and could never say this to her face but I’ve started to get really paranoid about her and two of her female friends. I know it’s awful and it's not like I don’t trust her but I'd be uncomfortable if she were this close with a straight male friend (sleeping in a bed with them or getting changed in front of them). 

Now that I know she is also attracted to women — I feel the same rules apply. What should I do?

Johnny

Hi Johnny,

Honestly — this isn’t an uncommon question.

You’re not the first person to date a bi person and wonder where the appropriate and inappropriate line shifted too.

It’s completely logical for you to think that, if in a straight relationship — a girlfriend getting changed in front of a straight guy is wrong, then dating a bi girl means that rule also applies to women. However, that's not how things work out in practice. You might be straight, but you’re now in a queer relationship. That means things are going to be different.

In my experience, bi people live between two different worlds, the LGBT world and the straight world. Each has different rules. The rules of the straight world, we are all aware of — it’s the lens you are looking at your relationship through. The LGBT world has slightly different rules, people can be closer and more tactile — we’re also not as obsessed with treating each other differently based on gender. Getting changed in front of someone really isn’t the pathway to sex that it might be in the straight world.

What's more, LGBT people in my experience seem to trust each other more. Sex isn’t taboo, there isn’t as much of an instinctive fear that your partner is going to run away with someone just because they can. Most people are living their truth — they don’t want to stay in an unhappy relationship, or live a lie — they could have stayed in the closet if they’d wanted that.

My point here is that if you want to understand your bi girlfriend then you need to see the world through her eyes. Not gay, not straight but a mix of both cultures, rules and norms. I’m afraid you can’t expect her to exist in the straight world, bound by straight rules anymore. (Shoutout to the straight people who aren’t even living by those rules anymore.)

This situation can be really tricky for bi people to navigate. You don’t want to be the new partner that suddenly told his girlfriend that she can’t behave in a way that's natural for her and her friends. For one, it will cause tension between her friends and yourself if your girlfriend's interactions with her friends suddenly changes.

This doesn’t mean that you need to blindly accept whatever behaviour she decides to throw at you. If you do feel that her getting changed or sleeping in the same bed as her female friends is now an issue then talk to her. Have a discussion about what you are both comfortable with and see if either of you is willing to compromise.

Ultimately, it comes down to trust — do you trust your girlfriend? I’ve always believed that if someone is going to have an affair — they are going to have an affair. It doesn’t matter if they are on a nudist beach surrounded by hundreds of hot naked strangers or hidden away working from home. It’s really all about trust and knowing that you’re both fulfilled by the relationship and sex that you’re having.

Good luck, and thanks for the question.

Lewis

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, email at [email protected]

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.