Ask A Bi Dad: I love my wife but would like to be with a man again

Hello Lewis,

I am currently married in a committed monogamous relationship with another bi woman. I believe I may be polyamorous but I am not in a space to explore that possibility. My preference is to have an occasional threesome with a regular male partner, but my spouse is not open to any type of open relationship. I adore my wife, but it has been 7 years since I've been with a man and my head is about to explode.

I've discussed this at length with my partner. She is demisexual and must have romantic feelings before getting physical with anyone. She admits that she would be too jealous if we were physical with any others or I was.

My wife and I have been married for 6 years this October. She is my best friend and I adore our time together. However, if you would ask me if I could only be with one person the rest of my life, that thought makes me really sad. I don't know how to make sense of this.

Our relationship of 7 years has been fantastic for my mental health. I've done very well in life since meeting my wife. My therapist says to deal with it because the good outweighs the bad and finding someone so loving and supportive is rare. It drives me crazy having this itch that I cannot scratch.

Anyway, grateful for any insight you may have into this situation.

Cheers,

Tara

Hi Tara,

Thank you so much for your email.

I have to admit, I received it a few weeks ago and really wasn’t sure how to respond. Rereading it a few weeks later, I’m still not sure how to respond. You truly are in a conundrum. So the only thing I can do is explore your options.

Option one — and the one I advise the least — cheat. Going behind your wife’s back, scratching your itch and never speaking about it to anyone ever again. I know there are people that can live like this but the truth is it is not fair to your partner and it is not good for your relationship. It also comes with a risk of STIs.

Option two — If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Basically, keep the dialogue open with your partner about how you feel. I guess for you, the best case scenario is that she says it is fine for you to sleep with a guy. It doesn’t sound like she will change her mind but there is never any harm in continuing to have a discussion. Whilst she has every right to have her position on this, it is still something that is affecting you and you have every right to keep discussing it with her.

Option three — live with it. Accept that if you want your wife and this relationship that has done wonders for your mental health, then being with a guy again will have to remain a fantasy. I suspect that because this is the advice your therapist gave and you have still reached out to me, you aren’t going to be happy with this option.

I have spoken to a few bi women dealing with similar situations on this, all of whom found different ways to cope. One of the big ones is using porn or your imagination in masturbation. Sometimes that tricks your brain into feeling that the itch has been scratched.

One thing I have always said in this situation is that fantasy rarely lives up to the reality. Imagine going through all of this, perhaps choosing to end the relationship and then having really bad sex with a man. When things are going well it is easy to ask "what next" when really we should be enjoying the moment. I would say, enjoy what’s real and genuine rather than pursue a sexual fantasty.

For me, this isn’t specifically a bi question, it’s a polyamourous one. I’m sure there will be lots of pieces online and discussion boards on the subject. Perhaps someone that has dealt with this issue before might have some better advice.

It is also worth considering your wife’s demisexual. Some might suggest that perhaps you could introduce a man you’re interested in sleeping with and work on a friendship between the three of you. Then broach the subject. Others might ask, would you want someone who is demisexual to form a bond with someone else?

As I set out at the beginning — this is one situation with no clear answer. Perhaps the comments section on this article might yield some results.

Good luck with it.

Lewis

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, email at [email protected]

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.