Ask A Bi Dad: Does this spell the end of having kids?

I’ve started dating an amazing guy, suave, doting, surprising. He’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I’m so happy, and the sex is incredible. The thing is, I can’t help shake the feeling that this relationship spells the end of the idea of settling down with a woman and having kids. It’s not so much that I want to settle with a woman but having kids is something I’ve always wanted and that is so much easier to do with a woman. 

The guy I’m with is gay and when I brought up the issue of having kids — let’s just say, as a gay guy, he’s made his peace with the idea that isn’t going to happen. My worry is that despite how much I love him, I worry not having kids will lead me to resent him. I wondered if you had any thoughts?

Kyle

Hi Kyle,

As someone who has just become a dad for the third time, I understand what having children means. They are amazing little bundles of life that bring fulfillment. So the prospect of not having them is something to be considered and I would always recommend discussing it with a new partner before it gets too serious.

It’s natural for someone bi such as yourself to struggle with choosing to walk a certain path. As bisexuals, it can seem like the world is our oyster and that our sexuality gives us more options than most. The consequence is that when we do make a decision about who to spend our life with, it also makes us feel like it comes at the cost of all the other roads we could have taken.

When it comes to your situation, I feel like the most important thing is to celebrate that you have found a guy that you adore and are so happy with. It’s not a given. I do think it’s important to believe in the relationship, things will come along to challenge you but it’s about facing and dealing with those obstacles together.

Not having children is a big hurdle for any couple who don’t see eye to eye, regardless of their sexuality. Some women don’t want kids. Some couples can’t have kids. You also don’t want to be with a woman just for her womb. It again comes to that trust in the relationship, are the two of you strong enough to deal with the struggles life could present?

My advice would be to stress to your partner how important having children is for you. Ask if there is any wiggle room, would he consider adoption or a surrogate? See where he is willing to meet on the issue. If it is that he is 100% decided on not having kids then it’s up to you to decide whether the love you have is so strong that you could make a life without children fulfilling. As I’ve mentioned, it’s not a given that a future partner will be willing or able to have children. If you could find someone that is, it's still no given that you would find the same love you have with your partner.

I also think you need to ask yourself why children are so important. Bis tend to be able to make unconventional situations work. If, for example, having kids is about passing on your DNA, you could become a sperm donor. If it’s about raising the next generation, could you get involved in local mentoring?

Life can be complicated, it’s always good to have goals but sometimes you might have to get a little unconventional to achieve your dreams.

Good luck!

Lewis

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, email at [email protected]

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.