Rejecting the One-Size-Fits-All Relationship Path

One of the greatest challenges I faced growing up as a closeted bi man in the rural Midwest was that, according to virtually everyone around me, there was only one viable way to have relationships. At the very least, there was only one type of relationship that was respected and accepted by the community at large.

This rigid template was simple enough: I, as a single man, was supposed to find a single woman around my own age (any age difference greater than five years would be cause for gossip) and monogamously date her for an appropriate number of years before getting down on one knee and popping the big question. If she said yes, we would have a wedding jam-packed with family and friends (and likely lots of drama) and then settle into the rest of our lives with work, children, and a variety of other familiar milestones.

Don’t get me wrong; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this type of relationship. I have seen people find their partner at an early age and grow happily together throughout the years. I have been to several weddings where I felt nothing but joy for the couple as they committed to each other. But while I am incredibly happy for those who have found security, love, and partnership by going down this road, it has never held much appeal for me.

As a member of the LGBT community, I’ve always felt like it was important to understand different types of relationship structures, especially because until marriage equality, I wasn’t even sure marriage would be an option for me. Fortunately, it now is, but it’s just one option. Just because I can get married to whomever I want does not mean that I have to. If I were to get married, there’s a number of things I would want to discuss that tend to be implicitly understood in more traditional relationship structures. For example, are we monogamous or open? If we’re open, what are the ground rules? Would we ever bring in a third partner? Do we want a family? If so, how would we build it? What are the responsibilities and divisions of labor? Do we even live in the same household?

Of course, some of these are questions that every couple has to confront and some are impossible to answer fully because no one can predict the future. But the idea of not even discussing these questions with my potential life partner is scarier than the concept of traditional relationships themselves. From my perspective, every relationship is different. As divorce rates clearly show, a one-size-fits-all mentality oten results in failed relationships.

So why shouldn’t we be open and explore other avenues that allow us to build the relationships we want? To me, that makes more sense than continuing down a rigid and inflexible path that, by the numbers, fails as often as it succeeds.

As a bisexual, I’m well aware of the sterotype that I must be incapable of monogamy or serious relationships. But looking at many long-term relationships between gay men, I have seen a wide variety of relationship structures that seem to run more smoothly than many monogamous heterosexual ones. It made me wonder, are members of the LGBT community simply more inclined to be open to discussing and pursuing these alternative paths than heterosexual couples? While one study found that LGBT couples are slightly more likely to be in non-monogamous relationships, they don’t dominate the roughly 5% of the population estimated to be in open relationships. Perhaps this gap stems from heterosexual couples being less likely to share these kinds of details about their personal relationships.

Regardless of how vocal the participants are about their non-traditional relationship structures, one thing is certain: they exist. There are people out there successfully maintaining happy and healthy relationships that fall well outside of the expected social norms. So instead of forcing those to pursue one narrow relationship path, why not open your mind and accept that while their way might not work for you, it is the perfect one for them. In the end, it’s ultimately up to those involved in the relationship, but more accepting societal attitudes can only help.