The Strength Behind Open Relationships

As with many individuals raised in a conservative, rural Midwestern community, I was only exposed to one type of successful relationship growing up: that of a man and woman joined in holy matrimony — after an appropriate courtship, of course — under the umbrella of the Christian faith.

As a man, finding a female partner and settling down in a monogamous lifestyle was simply expected of me in my mid-to-late twenties; all of this is soon followed by a lovely starter home and a child or two. However, even at an early age, I had an issue with the idea that this was the only way for me to build a life or have a successful relationship.

That’s not to say that I don’t see that specific type of relationship as a wonderful path for those who choose it. Many of my friends from home have found incredible partners to share their lives with; seeing them together fills me with so much joy because I know that they are pursuing a journey that they are both comfortable and happy with. I proudly stood by my best friend on her wedding day as she married an amazing man, and I plan to do the same for all of those in my life who want me to be there for them.

However, my concern is that just because I might not want that for myself, I’m seen as immoral, deviant, or corrupted by the LGBTI lifestyle. But the fact of the matter is, as a bi man, marriage was not always a guarantee for me; I had to think outside the traditional box when it came to relationships, which is not an approach many of my heterosexual peers had to take. While it did and continues to make life a bit more challenging, I’m grateful I had the chance to look at life, love, and relationships through a different lens.

This brings me to open relationships. As I left my closeted life behind and took my first steps into the LGBTI community, I was amazed at the variety of relationship dynamics the queer community had embraced. I was truly shocked at how blind I had been to all the ways to build a successful relationship and, while there are many I could cover, open relationships are the ones that have always stood out as the most appealing to me.

I think this is because there is a fundamental element behind successful open relationships that is often touted as the key to any good partnership: communication. 

What I find so freeing about an open relationship is that you get to be honest about your desires, some of which your partner may not be able to fulfill. You don’t have to pretend that you’re not interested in other people but instead get to go on an amazing sexual and emotional journey with your partner, regardless of whether you engage in extracurricular activities together or on your own. I think that by being so open and transparent about your desires, a deep and profound level of trust and intimacy is created between partners that is hard to replicate. Being open shouldn’t be a band-aid for a troubled relationship but rather an experience that enriches one.

I find it interesting when people reject the idea of open relationships due to fear of their partner falling for someone else. My response is simple: if they fall in love with someone else, why would I want to hold them hostage in a relationship? Why would I want to prevent someone I care about from being as happy as they can be in life? Sure, it’ll hurt without a doubt, but if they’re already checked out and invested in someone else, that’s not a relationship I need to keep pursuing.

Of course, there are plenty of open relationships that burn out in a blaze of glory for a myriad of reasons, many of which are surprisingly similar to the rationale behind some monogamous breakups, such as a lack of communication or a wandering eye. Just because a relationship is open doesn’t mean there aren’t expectations or ground rules that can end the relationship, another misconception I see bandied about frequently.

Overall, I’ve seen just as many monogamous relationships fail as I have open ones. In my opinion, it really comes down to this: if you don’t want to be in an open relationship, then don’t be in one. But don’t judge and ridicule people who are pursuing their own path to happiness just because it doesn’t align with yours. If I can support you and your relationship, the least you can do is extend the same courtesy to me.