Hey there, my queer cats and jammers! I’m happy to see you back in this lovely little space for our 15th (!!!) volume of the Mini Unicorn Scale. You know, when I first proposed this idea to our fearless leader/editor, I had no idea that I would be able to curate this many volumes. But I’m so delighted to discover and share so many forms of bi+ short media with you — and I still have more up my sleeve! Ain’t it lovely to get some queer representation you can dance to?
Okay, so the last few years have been... well, I believe the correct scientific term is rough. We don’t have to go over why 2020 and 2021 have been rollercoasters the world over — I know that that is still fresh in our collective minds. But what I can do is try to get us going in 2022 starting off on the right foot — musically, that is. So I’ve added an extra entry than my normal set in this playlist than normal to get us going. Now let’s get into this fresh batch of fluid ditties culled together for your aural enjoyment.
First and foremost, though, I should explain some disclaimers. Since we have all of the content we’re reviewing here, I am not gonna throw down a spoiler warning. However, I will add a few content warnings: mostly for strong language in the lyrics. And if this is your first time visiting our column, a hearty welcome to you! You may be wondering about the metric we use to talk about these different musical works. You can get a quickie review on the Scale here.
Get-it-got-it-good. And away we go!
1) Måneskin — “Wanna Be Your Slave"
Starting us off strong is the Italian rock band, Måneskin. Their meteoric rise — from their humble beginnings in street busking and appearance on Eurovision all the way to their “Beggin’” cover’s omnipresence on TikTok last year and appearance on Saturday Night Live last month — their trajectory is nothing short of phenomenal. This impressive success has laid the groundwork for their next single, “Wanna Be Your Slave” an unapologetically sensual song with lyrics full of seduction and innuendo. Add in their majorly ‘70s Bowie-esque vibes and aesthetic and the fact that all of the members are some form of queer/not straight/curious, and you’ve got a great kickstart to this volume.
2) Lizzo & Cardi B — “Rumors"
Anyone who has known me personally for the past few years knows I’m a big ol’ Lizzo fan. I have literally stayed up until midnight in order to download new singles she drops at 12:01. So when “Rumors” dropped this past summer, I was on it like a bonnet. Lizzo has repeatedly declared her not-straightness, and likewise, Cardi has had to fight bi erasure to make sure her queerness gets seen and acknowledged. So when the two artists made their predilections explicitly clear in the lyrics (Lizzo: “I f*** him and you, yeah;” Cardi: “Teach me about big girl c****ie”), I had to stand and applaud even at my workplace. Extra love for making it clear they were singing about #bicon Sister Rosetta Tharpe in the music video, too, with her silhouette coming up while singing “Black people made rock and roll, yeah.” Yeah, they sure did!
3) Miranda Lambert — “All Kinds of Kinds”
You know how when you first come across a phrase, whenever you hear it again, you always picture the first time you heard it? I have that with “takes all kinds” from a sketch from The State that I, unfortunately, cannot find. Shame, because it turns the whole “cabin in the woods” trope on its head and the old geezer in the woods assumed it was the men off to have a same-sex encounter away from prying eyes, and is disappointed when he discovers they’re up to the typical horror setup fare.
Anyway. That image is quickly getting supplanted by this country ditty that celebrates the variety and tapestry of the human condition. Lambert’s lyrics quickly sketch out complicated characters that find solace in each other. The standout is Phyllis who is both raising kids as well as having a torrid affair with a trans woman — all in the space of a verse! Lambert, a staunch ally of the LGBTI community with queer members of her family, strives toward acceptance and tolerance within the lyrics of “All Kinds of Kinds” — and I wish that more country music would follow her example.
4) The Pierces — “Lights On”
I know I may be giving readers some musical whiplash here, jumping genres from rock to R&B, Country to Indie, but I like to make sure that there’s something from everyone in my queer playlists. Pierce’s entry into this volume contains playful lyrics that are both teasing and don’t give a hoot about gender factoring into attraction. This sisterly duo will definitely get your queer toes tappin'.
5) Ingrid Michaelson — “Boys Chase Girls”
I cannot believe I have gotten this deep into the volumes of the Mini Scales and not covered this modern classic. Written in the same font as Panic! At The Disco’s “Girls/Girls/Boys” but flipping the genders on the music video homage to Robert Palmer? What’s not to love?!
6) Robyn — “Indestructible”
I will go to my grave asserting that Robyn is a criminally underappreciated queen of pop music in America. Her lyrics blend both the universal and nuanced metaphor along with killer beats. Here we have the artist likening herself and the lovers of her past as two satellites — never alone, not touching, but also within orbit of each other. So goes the metaphor of many of us bringing the echoes of our romantic pasts into our current relationships, which can shape their trajectory if we let them. But Robyn as the singer here is working to give this new relationship its own fair go, acting as she hasn’t been hurt in the past so her baggage doesn’t taint how this connection goes.
The metaphor extends into a visual interpretation in the queer music video, as we see a straight-seeming couple going at it but then the woman flashing back on similar but different scenarios with previous partners of multiple genders.
I have to admit I have a surprising personal connection to this song. Years ago I was heading home from work in the wee hours, listening to this very song, when I got rear-ended hard. After giving my testimony to the police and walking away, we weren’t sure if my car had made it. But I started it up — and this song started up again, right in the same spot. “Indestructible,” indeed.
7) Dodie — “I’m bisexual - a coming out song”
Lightening the mood and closing it out in simple and sweet form is Dodie’s tiny queer anthem. It’s direct, it’s darling, and I just want to squeeze its cheeks. Also, it’s fun sometimes to end on a gentle song from time to time — just ask the Beatles when they put “Her Majesty” at the end of Abbey Road.
And there we have it! I hope everyone found something that tickled their fancy in there to get 2022 up and running with just the right earworm. Until next time, take care of you, my lovely bi bebés.
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