Straightening It Out: What To Do When You’re Crushing On An Unattainable Person

For all the different experiences bi folks go through, there are a few common tales. Some are perfectly pleasant — like realizing none of us like to sit right. Others similarities are not so pleasant — such as disclosing our sexuality on dating apps and getting hit up endlessly for threesomes.

But there is one issue I’ve seen happen quite often in the bi community we don’t have much of a guide for — falling for someone who isn’t interested in your gender. Since we’re open to being attracted to all genders, becoming interested in someone (often a straight person) can really throw us off. This tends to happen the most when we are in our infancy of coming to terms with our bisexuality — but not always.

You see, dear reader, I can relate to this problem myself. Recently I was starting to harbor a crush on a straight friend of mine. She is a lovely person through and through — and as straight as they come. So what’s a girl to do? I write through it. And I wanted to share what I’ve found worked as I pulled myself out of that place before I possibly ruined a great friendship. I wanted to give you all a few pointers for if (or when) you come to the same crossroads.

Now, I want to make sure I’m talking about a very specific situation here. This is not about your buddy who mentioned being bi-curious. I’m talking about people who know who they are, and when confessing your feelings (while valid!) could jeopardize a friendship. You know there is no chance of it happening, but the happy chemicals in your brain reward you for gettin’ heart-eyes for that person. And you know, ultimately, it will go nowhere and will only result in tears — specifically, yours.

So, for lack of a better term, let’s call this process “straightening it out". Of course, your potential person of interest may not be straight. But more often than not, this happens with our straight friends or co-workers, so I think it applies. Also, the phrase (while not perfectly inclusive) is short and sweet, and sometimes I just can’t resist a pun.

Recognize and acknowledge your feelings.

Sometimes the fastest way out is through, and that counts for crushes. Denying your attraction to yourself often just makes things worse, and it’s unhealthy — and we bi people, in particular, have enough mental health issues that don’t get treated without putting more on ourselves.

So sit with this feeling. Try to figure out how deep it goes — if it’s superficial. Maybe it’s your first time having a squish. Or perhaps our language doesn’t quite have the right term for your circumstances yet. To point, I came across this post about alterous attractions, and suddenly a bunch of my past relationships (and my confusion about them) made a whole lot more sense:

The point is to stop our own self-suppression and do some genuine introspection.

Find another bi friend to talk to — then ask them to lessen talking about that crush.

If anyone else can understand the crushing on a straight person, it’s your fellow queers. We can help each other out, even if it’s just providing a shoulder to cry on. At the very least, you’ll find someone who has probably gone through something similar, and there’s a helluva lot of comfort in that.

If you’re not out yet or don’t know any other bi folks out in your community, you can still find them online. The important thing is to get this out of your system. Talking (or chatting online) through our feelings helps us to make sense of them, and having a sounding board may bring you a lot of peace.

I do have to add the caveat that if you and your buddy have that unattainable person in common, ask them to speak less about your crush around you for a while, if at all possible. Sure, this can be hard to achieve if you’re in an environment where you are required to have communication about the person (say, it’s a co-worker you have in common). But this ask is about your own self-preservation, and most situations can make some accommodating about it.

Recognize this isn’t even about you or your orientation.

Rejection blows no matter how you slice it — even if it’s you cutting off your supply of crush-y deliciousness for your own good. And sometimes we start getting down on ourselves — thinking, “if only I weren’t bi... if only I could change this one thing about myself, I’d be so happy."

But being bi is a gift. And it’s not cool to beat yourself up just because of who you are. Sometimes things just don’t line up the way we’d like them to — and ultimately, that’s okay. It doesn’t diminish your attractiveness or make them a terrible person because they don’t possess the romantic feelings that you do. You’re still dope. To quote Dita Von Teese:

So take heart, my sweet little peaches. Take heart.

Using self-distancing language, especially when going through a crush spiral.

I’ll be the first to admit I may not have the proper term for this process, but the idea is to recognize when you’re going into the behavior which makes the feelings worsen (and deepen) and help identify yourself as a person who wants to get past this emotional spot.

So, for example, if you find yourself thinking, “Yvette looks so damn cute when she puts her hair up," instead try to correct yourself by thinking: “I’m having this thought that she looks cute," or even further past this: “I’m noticing that I’m having this thought about Yvette.” This may sound weird and tricky at first, but it’s a way to put yourself first instead of being at the mercy of your emotions — and note to yourself you have this pattern you’d like to correct.

This process especially applies when everything reminds you of them. Our brains love to seize on things that make us feel good, and love and infatuation are some of the best feelings in the whole damn world. So you’ve gotta work to be a responsible dealer to the love junkie that is your own brain. All of these associations when we see or hear things that remind us of our Yvette give us a little dopamine hit — and that will get to a place of diminishing returns when it truly sinks in that they’re not a romantic option.

This you-first language tricks your brain into cutting the dose a bit.

Sometimes a little pattern discernment can go a long way.

Some of these crushes come along because of environmental causes — they’re the only other girl in your office, or maybe cuffing season is particularly potent this year.

Is there a pattern you can pick out on why this crush sprouted that you can resolve without this crush being the solution? Do you love your single life but know that you start making rash sexual decisions every six months because your skin hunger is getting the better of you? Then it’s time to try to head that off at the pass and get into some singles events every four months to see if you can scratch that itch without banging your co-worker at the holiday party.

Know thyself, my little bi buddy. And one of the best ways to start discerning and getting through those thought processes is...

Good old-fashioned journaling.

To quote the Sassy Gay Friend character: “You’re gonna write a sad poem in your journal and move on.”

Yes, I’m talking actual, analog, pen-to-paper journaling. I know we all love to tweet and post and the like, but there’s something viscerally satisfying about physically writing out our thoughts in a private space. It’s cathartic, nonjudgmental, and it may be the only place where you can be most honest with yourself. Your diary will leave you feeling seen, not left unseen.

Speaking of which:

Avoid them online (if you can).

This is all about those dopamine hits again, as well as feeding that obsessive part of our brain that we’re trying to expunge of this impossible crush. Maybe it can’t be perfectly done, but there are ways to take a break when and where you can. Hide them on Facebook for 30 days. If they have enough followers, unfollow them on Twitter. You know the drill. Plus, it’s always good for your head to take a bit of a step back from social media.

Grieve, but don’t wallow.

Even though this relationship doesn’t go the way you’d like it to go, it’s still important to mourn the loss of this potential. Because that’s what it was — potential, but not a good fit. Lean into the heartache, listen to some good queer takes (here and here if you need jumping-off points), and get in a good, body-shaking cry.

But I think it’s also wise to be aware of when you’re indulging. This isn’t just about sitting all emo-like with a hoodie blasting Panic! At the Disco. You can tell in other ways. Maybe your friend’s eyes glaze over at the mention of the object of your affection. Or that heartbreak playlist is losing the sting of recognition. Part of being bi is not being confused, but rather becoming an emotional athlete. You’ll know when it’s time to pull it up.

Make a list of their faults.

Yeah, I know this one sounds hard and feels even harder to do. But it shoos them off that pedestal in your brain. This doesn’t mean that they’re not still your friend etc.; it’s a way to remind yourself they are a fully-dimensional human, and there are some things that would drive you bananas.

I’ll even start off the list for you. First and foremost — they’re not compatible with your bi, badass self.

Self-care, but I don’t mean hot baths.

Though a good hot bath while listening to Mazzy Star does wonders for the soul, I’m talking about workouts. I’m talking about learning how to cook a fabulous meal you’ve wanted to try. Maybe an axe-throwing class. You know... purely for new-hobby reasons.

Keep your distance as you’re able — distract yourself with new circles of friends.

Out of sight, out of mind, of course. Also. Know what’s better to do than going to that bar you know your alterous attraction hangs out at? Finding queer social groups! Meetup is helpful in this endeavor — and you’ll know there are better chances of finding people who have had the same experience as you!

If all else fails: Therapy (with an LGBT-supportive counselor) is also an option if the feelings are really disrupting your life.

If other aids are falling short, there’s absolutely no shame in letting a professional help you find a new set of tools to emotionally process this episode of your life. I’ve done it myself. I had such an acute reaction to realizing one guy wasn’t going to be with me that I knew I needed to get help — and I’m so grateful I did.

Know this type of heartache could happen again — but now you’ve got a toolkit.

It probably won’t be as deep or all-consuming as this one was, but it can happen. And it will be frustrating. But now, you’re armed with ways to cope and process this time around. And that will probably make it less difficult.

Finally: Know you’re not alone — most of us go through this.

It may not feel fabulous now, but there is a whole community here who knows what it’s like — and we’ve got your back.

Some of us are even pretty cute (when you’re ready, of course).

Best of luck out there, friends!