How This Bi Parent Is Talking To Her Kids About Sexuality

By Mary Jayn Frisk

March 05, 2021

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Photo credit: Pexels/JVidal Balielo Jr.

When you are holding your newborn baby, your first thoughts are not on sexual orientation. Mostly, you're exhausted and sleep-deprived, but your thoughts revolve around nourishing and nurturing.

Through toddlerhood, you teach things like manners and color recognition. When they start kindergarten, you may show them how to read and do basic math. It all flies by so quickly that by the time you need to talk about sexual orientation, the opportunity to lay the appropriate groundwork is often missed.

A young black couple craddling a baby together in their home. The mom is holding the baby in her arms.
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Parents push those conversations to an older age, citing protecting a child's innocence or keeping them naïve as reasons. From experience, I can say that laying the groundwork makes talking about the subject so much easier when the appropriate age comes.

Our own kids are still young, so we have not talked to them about our sexuality explicitly, but laying the groundwork is essential to having open conversations when the time comes. I think all parents should do this because it's a two-way street: we can talk about our sexual orientation, and in turn, they can talk about theirs when they feel comfortable.

These topics can be difficult if you are personally uncomfortable discussing them. Creating an open dialogue around attractions at a young age makes them much less taboo as kids get older. So how do you lay the groundwork? No two families are the same, so talks on sexual orientation may look different.

For example, I am in a heterosexual relationship, and so are all the people my partner and I interact with. We have talked more frequently with our kids because they do not have a lot of exposure to same-sex or polyamorous relationships. Below I have listed different age-appropriate ways in which we have talked to our kids about sexual orientation.

Age 0-2:

We started exposing our kids to differing sexual orientations at this age by simply reading diverse books. These books would include examples of same-sex families, families with more than two parents, diverse cultures, and books in different languages. You may wonder how some of these topics pertain to sexual orientation. Your children will benefit from understanding that there are many different cultures and how they vary from ours.

A young white hip family, laying in bed together with their small young daughther, looking at her smiling while she is looking at her book and smiling.
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Some cultures are accepting of non-heterosexual orientations, and others are less accepting. We make sure to emphasize reading books that include a variety of families. I like to use racially diverse books in conjunction with various family structures.

Age 2-4:

It's easy, once you have these books, to build knowledge through simple conversations. Pointing out, "look, that family has two mommies, and in that one, the grandparents are caring for the child," reinforces that families look different, and that's ok. By 18-24 months, children can begin to recognize gender norms, and by age three, they can categorize their own gender.[1]

Gender norms and sexual orientation are intertwined topics. Discussing gender in a positive and neutral way is an integral part of conversations surrounding sexual orientation. We didn't do that and found ourselves reinforcing gender roles in our kids. Now that we are past that age, it is much harder to break down stereotypes and gender roles.

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Age 5-6:

On my child's 5th birthday, I saw an instantaneous switch. It's like her curiosity went into hyperdrive. I love this age because I am similarly curious, and I find it fascinating to research answers when I don't have them. She has asked us, "where is the daddy" and we gently reminded her about same-sex couples and referred back to the book we read. She further asked, "where does the baby come from then?" We explained that sometimes a generous person would give the genetic material necessary to make a baby to the mommies, and one of them would get pregnant — or in other cases, they may adopt.

It's best to answer questions surrounding sexuality and sex candidly in a non-sexual manner. There are many resources available to learn how to talk to your kids about sex and sexuality.

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At this age, we have increased the number of books we read and talks we have. We focus on having frequent small conversations that reinforce all sexual orientations' normality. More extended and detailed discussions require too much information that isn't easily retained. It’s the difference between studying notecards and scanning the entire book the night before an exam.

Our kiddos haven't surpassed this age, so that is where my specific knowledge ends. I'm confident in the groundwork we have set and am impressed with the intuitive questions that my children ask. When they develop attractions, then we will share our sexual orientation with them. We want them to focus on being a kid for now.

Knowing that people have attractions, including those of the same sex, or both sexes, is enough for now. We've noticed that shushing, scolding, and silence implies that a topic is off-limits.

If you can only take one thing away, let it be this: don't make any topic seem taboo. We work hard to build security around talking to us about anything.

A family of 4 holding eachother by the hand walking with rain clothes on.
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