3 Ways for Bi Folks in Different-Gender Relationships to Really Enjoy Pride

Pride isn’t all it’s cracked up to be for bi folks. While the various festivities that occur throughout the month of June are supposedly inclusive of all members of the LGBT community, the events often feel only truly welcoming to gays and lesbians. Unless an event or booth is specifically advertised as bisexual and has “BI/PAN” written on it in big letters, it will be gay.

Pride can be particularly tough for bi people who are in a different-gender relationship (i.e., a man and a woman). No bi person at Pride wants to be mistaken for straight. During Pride, we are especially eager to feel like equal members of the LGBT community. Unfortunately, though, when someone sees a man kissing a woman, they’re likely to erroneously assume that both individuals are straight. Bi couples may therefore garner angry glances or negative comments from gay folks who think that they are straight couples co-opting a space that isn’t meant for them.

This sucks.

Still, I understand gay people’s reactions. There’s a long history of straight folks — particularly women celebrating bachelorette parties — coming into gay bars, getting hammered, and treating the men there like zoo animals on display for their amusement. So it makes sense for gay men (and, to a lesser extent, gay women) to be overly protective of the few spaces that have been reserved for them.

This places bi folks in a tough predicament. We want to celebrate Pride with our partners, but don’t always feel welcome to do so. At the same time, we understand why some gay folks may be quick to judgment or anger when they see a bi couple holding hands or kissing in the street.

Nevertheless, there are things that you can do as a bi person in a different-gender relationship that will help you feel more welcomed at Pride and enable you to enjoy the month of June a bit more.

I don’t want to let gay folks completely off the hook. In this Allure feature, I detail all the things LGT people and Pride organizers can do to make bi folks feel more included.

But there are some actions you, as a bi person, can take that will give you a sense of greater autonomy over your own experience at Pride.

1. Deck yourself in bisexual flags, clothing, accessories, and colors

It’s difficult to be visibly bi — what does that even mean? When I wear my crop tops and cut off booty shorts, I come across as gay. When I’m walking to the gym in Adidas sweatpants and a ribbed tank top, I come off as straight (until I open my mouth to speak). The only way to appear bisexual is to wear bi colors and symbols.

Luckily for us, the bi colors are pink, lavender and blue — some of the most beautiful shades of all. (Imagine if the colors had been yellow, orange and gray. That would have been rough.) If you’re looking for some bi swag, I’d suggest purchasing it from bi artists. My two favorite online bi stores are Bisexualshirts.com, which is run by bi artist Jayne B. Shea and BiProducts, an Etsy store created by Bicon Robyn Ochs, which sells bi and pansexual flags, earrings and pins. All proceeds support the production of Bi Women Quarterly, a free publication featuring the voices of bisexual women.

You’ll also enjoy Pride so much more because you’ll receive so many more compliments. When I wore a bi shirt to NYC Pride last year, dozens of people came up to tell me that they are bi themselves and they loved my shirt. When you wear bi colors or clothing, you’ll end up talking to other bi folks whom you wouldn’t have met otherwise!

2. Change what you want to get out of Pride

Pride means something different to everyone. For some, it’s a time to embrace their sexuality, since they struggle to do so during the rest of the year. For others, it’s a time for activism. Adhering to the spirit of the original Pride, which was a political riot, they protest against anti-LGBT policies in the U.S. and worldwide. For others, it’s a big party and an excuse to get wrecked.

To me, Pride is many things. It’s a party, a time to meet new people (most people are down to chat with strangers and make friends), but also a time for bi activism.

I use this time to educate others about being bi. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to engage with folks who are biphobic or are looking for an argument. Absolutely not. I will, however, take the time to answer some questions about being bi when people ask respectfully. I’ll also help some “baby bis” who are just coming out — to show them that we have a vibrant community and that they are not alone!

3. Take a break from your partner and venture out alone

If you’re constantly being glared at or bombarded with hostile questions because you’re with your different-gender partner, you might want to venture off on your own for a little bit. Yes, you’re there to celebrate with your partner and you should definitely do that. But if it all gets too much for you, instead of going home straight away, take a little break. Perhaps you could head over to a lesbian event while your partner attends a gay circuit party. An hour or two later, you both can meet up, share stories, and go back to celebrating Pride together.

At the end of the day, Pride is as much for bisexual people as it is for gays, lesbians, and all other members of the LGBT community. While it’s frustrating that we have to be more aggressive about claiming our space at Pride events, it’s worth it. The more bi folks go to Pride, have fun, talk about being bi, and wear bi colors, the more bi folks will feel welcome attending all the festivities.

As corny as it may sound, you need to be the change you want to see. If you want to see more bi folks in different-gender relationships enjoying themselves at Pride, it’s up to you and your partner or partners to make a start by doing just that.