Hello!
I’m a 26-year-old medical student in the USA and I’m looking for support from bi men because we are surprisingly hard to find.
I realized I was bi over the past few years and shared this with my loving partner last year. She fully supports me but has made it clear she doesn’t want an open relationship where I could explore connections with men. I deeply respect her for setting that boundary, and we’ve continued our relationship.
However, I’ve never felt entirely comfortable with myself in the relationship since then because I feel like I’m missing something. There’s an anxious voice in my head insisting that I need to explore, and I can’t shake the feeling that every day I stay with Lucy is another day further from that possibility. Yet, she is my person. I’m left feeling anxious, sad, and confused — and I’ve been stuck in this emotional limbo for the past 14 months.
I have lots of queer friends, I made out with men in college, and I know logically that being with a guy would not solve this problem but rather continue the same doubts about commitment and sexuality. In fact, I know that all of this anxiety is internal insecurity around queerness, societal expectations, personal desire to explore, and probably stress from medical school.
I haven’t hidden any of this from her. We talk openly about my anxiety, and she’s incredibly supportive. Still, I know it hurts her — it makes her sad and understandably leaves her feeling uncertain about our relationship. After all, my words often focus on feeling pressure to pursue something different from what we have together, which is, of course, a painful thing to hear from a partner.
Do you have any advice? Suggestions? Validations? Am I missing something like my brain tells me I am?
Best,
Marc
Hi Marc,
Thanks so much for your letter.
The first thing to say is that this sort of thing happens in relationships, regardless of whether you’re bisexual, straight, or gay. It’s normal to experience FOMO, or even just to wonder whether you’re in the right relationship or if there are things you could be enjoying in a different relationship.
While relationships are amazing and meant to bring happiness, they can also feel constraining at times. That’s something everyone in a relationship has to navigate. For instance, you might be with someone who shares your love of a certain sport, but they have no interest in going out to nightclubs—and that’s just the reality of compromise. No relationship is perfect, and it’s unlikely you’ll find someone who ticks every single box.
I’m not going to lie — there’s a possibility you might regret not exploring dating men or having certain same-sex experiences. In my work, I’ve come across many bi people who experience a sense of unfulfilled bisexuality, especially men. These are often men who may have been aware of their bisexuality but suppressed it, even from themselves. Many ended up in long-term relationships with women, got married, had children, and settled down. Then, one day, they fully realized their bisexuality — it wasn’t just a fleeting feeling or something they’d brushed off in the past.
The challenge for these individuals is that by the time they’re more confident in who they are, they’re often in a committed relationship. Unless their partner is open to an arrangement like an open relationship — or they choose to end the relationship — they never get the chance to explore that part of themselves. For some, this can feel like a missed opportunity that nags at them for years.
That said, I’m not suggesting you end your relationship — that’s not my place. What I do think is important, is to ask yourself honestly: if you never experience being with a man and stay in this relationship for the rest of your life, will you regret it? Or do you value the relationship enough to accept the experiences you might never have? Relationships often involve compromise, and being with one person inherently means there are things you won’t do with others. That’s true for everyone, but it can feel more pronounced for bi people.
It’s also crucial to consider resentment. If this feeling persists, it’s important that it doesn’t turn into resentment towards your partner or the relationship itself — that’s not fair on either of you. If this has been ongoing for 14 months and she’s at least somewhat aware of it, it might be time to address it more directly. In this particular case, I would recommend speaking with a therapist or couples’ therapist. They can help you sort through your thoughts and feelings, either to help you make a decision or to better understand yourself and your situation.
Additionally, I think connecting with more bisexual people could be really helpful. What you’re experiencing isn’t uncommon, but it can feel isolating if you don’t have others who’ve been through similar situations to talk to. Hearing about the paths others have taken can help you decide whether you’re inspired by their choices or realize that’s not the route for you. Of course, many bisexual people aren’t open about their identity, so it might take perseverance to find that community — but it’s worth it.
Whatever path you choose, acceptance will be key. To some extent, everyone in a relationship wonders if the grass is greener elsewhere — it’s entirely normal. The difference for bi people is that these thoughts can sometimes feel more intense. The key is learning to focus on what you have, rather than dwelling on what you don’t.
Ultimately, you need to be honest with yourself and your partner. If you truly feel you can’t move past this, it may be kinder for both of you to let her go so you can explore other options. I can’t make that decision for you, but I hope this helps you think through some of the factors involved.
One exercise that might help is to visualize your life 10 years from now. Imagine staying in this relationship — have you been able to accept and move past these feelings, or are they still an issue? Then, consider the alternative: you’ve had those experiences, but your current partner is now happily married to someone else. Which scenario feels more meaningful — or more difficult — to you?
Good luck with this — it’s such a tough situation. I’m sure you’ll find a way through it. My advice to anyone facing this kind of decision in a relationship is not to be too hard on yourself. We can’t predict the future, and sometimes, we make the best choices we can with the information we have. Whatever you decide, I wish you nothing but happiness.
Lewis
Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.