Hi Lewis,
I’m a gay man, and I’ve noticed a pattern that’s been bothering me for years.
Many of the bi men I meet, whether single or in relationships, seem open to sleeping with men, but not dating them. It often feels like men are for sex and women are for romance and building a life with.
This leaves me feeling objectified and undervalued, especially when I’ve developed genuine feelings or friendships. I deserve to be seen as more than just a sexual experience. Why does this seem to happen so often?
Best,
Vaughan
Hi Vaughan,
Thanks so much for reaching out. I’m really sorry to hear that you’re experiencing this. Feeling objectified is painful regardless of sexuality, and being treated as “just sex” can absolutely erode your self-worth over time.
My first question would be, where are you finding these men? If you’re on hookup apps, their sexuality might not be as important as what they’re currently looking for. Hookup culture trains people to detach, and let’s be honest, emotional intimacy isn’t always the goal on those platforms. So, the first step might be to look at apps, or even in-person meet-up events, that are more catered toward people seeking long-term romance.
Now, there certainly are some bi men who have a romantic preference, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Some people genuinely experience different romantic feelings versus sexual feelings. Being bisexual but heteroromantic is a real thing. It doesn’t invalidate you, but it does mean they may not be capable of wanting something long-term with you.
The reality for all of us is that not everybody we sleep with is capable of loving us.
You also have to appreciate where some bi men are coming from. Many feel erased in gay dating spaces. Some feel gay men only see them as confused or temporary, and the dating dynamics can be messy on both sides.
Some bi men say they will only date women. But I’ve always felt you can’t really go into your sexuality with a game plan. Yes, some might believe they’ll end up with a woman, but then fall for a gay man they meet and connect with, and that can surprise them. That’s the unpredictability of dating. People think they have a type, and then end up with someone completely different. So it can happen, even to the bi guys who say it won’t.
I think you also need to consider the odds. If we’re looking at it as a numbers game, there are significantly more single straight women in the world than single gay men. When you’re dating a gay man, he can only date queer men. If you’re dating a bi man, you are competing within a much larger pool. That’s just the reality of it.
Ultimately, try not to get disheartened. I’m certain there are bi men out there who would happily date you. You just have to find them.
But at the same time, protect yourself. If a man says he won’t date men, believe him. Don’t try to convert someone’s romantic limits. Focus on protecting your own heart and don’t invest where there’s no real potential.
I’m wishing you all the luck in the world and a wonderful bi man to love you and keep you warm at night.
Lewis
Bi people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bi can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.