Hello,
I’m only a little attracted to women and find it hard to identify as bi instead of gay. I’m not sure why, and I don’t really have anyone I can discuss these feelings with.
Kindly,
Garath
Hi Garath,
Thank you so much for reaching out. What you’re feeling is far more common than you might think. Many people worry they’re not “bisexual enough,” especially if their attraction isn’t a perfect 50/50 split. But sexuality doesn’t work on a strict percentage system, and you don’t need to meet anyone’s standard to be valid.
I’d never encourage someone to adopt an identity label unless it genuinely feels right for them. What is important, though, is knowing you don’t have to prove anything. If you experience any real attraction to more than one gender, even if it’s 10%, that can be enough to consider bisexuality part of your identity, if you want it to be.
You asked why you struggle to identify as bi instead of gay. Often, it’s because people feel pressure to minimise the smaller part of their attraction, or they worry it doesn’t “count”. But that 10% is still part of who you are, and there’s no reason to hide or downplay it.
If you allow yourself to acknowledge it, it stops being a question of “am I really bi?” and becomes an opportunity to explore what that part of your sexuality means for you. What does that 10% look like? How might it show up in your life? What experiences or connections could it open up?
Embracing the whole of yourself, your 90% and your 10%, could bring clarity, confidence, and even unexpected joy. Most importantly, it frees you to be your authentic self. Not exaggerating or minimising anything, just being honest about what’s true for you.
I’ll leave you with this thought: life’s too short to live at 90%. What might change if you allowed yourself all 100%?
Wishing you all the luck in the world,
Lewis
Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.